JOKES OF THE WEEK
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear
Why do melons have weddings?
They cantelope
What do you call a sheep who can sing and dance?
Lady Ba Ba
Which vegetable has the best kung fu?
Broc-Lee
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A Baboooom!
Just really Good Dad Jokes
Why wasn’t the cactus invited to hang out with the mushrooms?
He wasn’t a fungi.
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.
How much do rainbows weigh?
Not much. They’re actually pretty light.
I found a lion in my closet the other day! When I asked what it was doing there, it said “Narnia business.”
Why did the electric car feel discriminated against?
Because the rules weren't current.
Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Space Dad Jokes
What is a spaceman’s favorite chocolate?
A Mars Bar
Why did the cow go in the spaceship?
It wanted to see the moooooon!
What do planets like to read?
Comet books
Why don’t aliens eat clowns?
Because they taste funny
What did the alien say to the cat?
Take me to your litter.
What do you call a loony spaceman?
An astronut
Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?
Because there was no atmosphere
Why didn't the sun go to college?
Because it already had a million degrees
How does the man-in-the-moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it
What kind of plates do they use in space?
Flying saucers
How does NASA organize a party?
They planet.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
They make up everything.
Super Silly Dad Jokes
What do dentists call x-rays?
Tooth pics.
What do you call fake fettuccine?
Impasta.
Why are crabs bad at sharing?
They’re shellfish.
Why did the ghost go to rehab?
He was addicted to boos.
What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?
It gets toad.
What did the ocean say to the ocean?
Nothing. It just waved.
What did the Buddhist ask at the ice cream shop?
Make me one with everything
Where do snowmen get loans?
Snowbanks.
Why was Cinderella kicked off her soccer team?
She kept running away from the ball.
Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants?
Just in case he got a hole in one.
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
What kind of dogs make the best car racers?
Lap dogs.
What do you call a sheep who can sing and dance?
Lady Ba Ba.
Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting?
They always drop their needles.
What did Elvis say to his landscaper?
Thank you for the mulch
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Animal Dad Jokes
Why wasn’t the cactus invited to hang out with the mushrooms?
He wasn’t a fungi.
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.
What do you call an elephant in a telephone booth?
Stuck.
How much do rainbows weigh?
Not much. They’re actually pretty light.
I found a lion in my closet the other day! When I asked what it was doing there, it said “Narnia business.”
What do you say when a chicken is looking at salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
What family does the zebra belong to?
Can't say, none of the families in our neighborhood owns a zebra.
What is the cutest creature in the sea?
A cuddlefish.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fshhhh
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a caterpillar?
A little walkie-talkie.
Quick One Liners
It’s hard to explain things to kleptomaniacs. They always take things literally.
I got rid of my vacuum. All it was doing was collecting dust.
There wasn’t a dry eye at the wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Today got rid of some dead batteries. I gave them away, free of charge.
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need one to go skydiving twice.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired
When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?
You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.